You Can't Build a Castle on a Pile of Manure!

Recently I've been working with affirmations again.  Affirmations, that age old belief that what we think and "put-out-there" we help create.  On a side note, it's often suggested that you need feeling and clarity behind your affirmations.


Try taking a few moments to be quiet, to go inside and first observe any other thoughts, sensations and feelings without judgment, by giving them some room, before embarking on your own journey.  This will allow you to start with a clearer slate.  (More has been said about this topic in previous blogs, and will be discussed in "Letting Go".  If you are needing further help seek a qualified Counselor, Psychologist, or Social Worker to help you work through old issues and outmoded beliefs.  You may also enjoy looking through authors such as Byron Katie.)

People often say, "Well, I tried that, but it didn't work", or "It won't work for me".  And it won't work if you also are having thoughts and feelings that conflict with your original prayer.  The Universe/God, doesn't discriminate.

If my intent/affirmation/prayer is "I am abundant", but at the same time I have other thoughts that come up for me such as, "Who am I to be successful", or "This doesn't work", or better yet, "This won't work for me", along with feelings of anger, judgment and fear, then that is exactly what I am creating.

I have always been someone that is afraid other won't accept me, and so I often fought hard for acceptance.  Many of my thinking errors or thoughts started with "I have to/I should...I shouldn't...", etc.  Working with new beliefs and ideas such as "I am free to be myself", or, "I am a powerful spiritual being", only started really feeling right after I began to work through and let go of old limiting thoughts and feelings.

You can be successful in achieving your dreams.  You are a powerful spiritual being.  You are supported, always.

As a Friend

As a friend I enjoy the times we share together.
As a friend I appreciate the memories and experience we create when we are together.
As a friend I am here for you.
As a friend I want to feel that you can talk to me, even if I've done something that's upset you.
As a friend...

Teenagers! A Story

  

I saw a mother and daughter the other day at work.  The mother and father had adopted this now 16-year-old about 5 years ago along with her younger sibling.  The mother spent most of the time telling me about her behavior and how difficult it is to live and deal with for her and the rest of the family.  She also went on to tell me that it has not just been her, but also previous foster homes that had this same trouble before her. 

I saw the frustration, I called it anger, this mother exhibited, and I also saw the real caring and desire to help, through a little digging.  It’s been a long 5 years for her, which is evident, and it’s wearing on her.  In the last year she has lost 23 lbs she told me, so it makes sense that she would be angry and frustrated.  She became a little defensive when I used the word angry, and spent some more time telling me about some things the daughter has been doing.

I asked her about what she is doing to take care of herself and if she is taking time to separate herself from the situation?  She asked me where the time for that is, and I replied that she has to make the time.  She told me that she has people to talk to at least, but that she doesn’t share her story with many, even though I believe that others would not only be supportive, but also have similar stories themselves.  I could see the amount of energy she was spending in keeping it all together, and in wanting so desperately to have everything work out.

I was able to bring the daughter into services, upon which she probably will receive some medications, and counseling, however I wish I had more time with the mother, and was also able to work with the father.  I would like to see how they relate and talk to one another on a daily basis. 

It’s obvious to me the daughter is exhibiting behaviors that in some ways are typical of being a teenager, but also may be do to her experiences with her biological family as well as previous foster families.  I believe she will benefit from counseling if she is able to open up and talk with someone besides her friends at school.

There seems to be more to this picture than just the daughter’s behavior, however, there usually is, and I say this not with judgment, but with the desire to help.  If I could work with the parents I would spend my time teaching them a few things. 

• I would suggest they start listening to their daughter.  They may not agree with what she has to say, her wants or desires, but they need to listen.  To go along with that, I would suggest they need to let her know that they have heard her, and that they understand her feelings.  This may look like this, Daughter…“I never get to stay go out with my friends when I want to.  You’re so mean!”  Parent…”You think that we are mean because we don’t let you go out when you want, and this makes you very frustrated.”  This could then lead to a further discussion where the parents could tell her why they don’t let her always go out, and maybe a compromise or choices for her to have about going out and curfew.  As a teenager it’s not enough to just tell her what to do anymore.  But also the very act of truly being heard by another caring individual is incredibly soothing and disarming.

• I would also suggest that everyday they find something to complement her on.  This does not relate to how well she cleaned her room, or whether she dressed well, or even her grades.  This refers to something about her.  Example…”Thank you for asking me how my day was.  I appreciate how you care about others.”  Or, “Your grades were very good this semester.  I appreciate that you care about yourself and your future enough to do well at school.”

I know this is not an easy situation, and I’m not trying to propose a cookie cutter solution, but my experience is that communication can take us a long way in repairing relationships with others and with ourselves.

That's Just the way I AM !?

Some of us feel that way at times. That’s just the way I am, “I’m goofy”, or “I’m shy”, “I’m…”

There are reasons we are the way we are. Some are out of our control. Others we have created unconsciously as ways of coping from our environment. Others yet we learned by example from those around us.

Have you ever heard anyone say, “I’m not going to be like my parents when I grow up”, only to turn out just like them?

What does it take for us to change? Let’s start with Intent and Acknowledgment.

Intent…is knowing what we want. Intent can be viewed as anything from goal setting, to affirmations, to prayer. When we couple this with feelings; feeling how we will feel when we accomplish our goal, and seeing it as if it were true, we are creating a clearer pattern for a goal to take shape. It’s the details we don’t have as much control over, and it’s here we need to be humble, learn to compromise, and relinquish some control.

Acknowledgment is the process of checking in with ourselves and being honest. If something comes up for me that I am troubled about I first take time to acknowledge what I am feeling, and where I am feeling it. I may check to see if there are any other thoughts and sensations associated with it. This process involves learning to live more in the moment, but it can also be viewed as learning to accept and love yourself, because it’s done without judgment.

This last process is essential yet sometimes a difficult one, as none of us, in which I include myself like to feel things that are uncomfortable. Exploring our inner worlds doesn’t keep us stuck, however, it sets us free. It feels empowering to me to know that I will be OK even when I am feeling intense emotions, knowing that they will pass allows me to be more accepting and honest with myself. This is a very different process than going over a thought or problem in our heads, over and over again.

I know that if you start practicing these simple, but profound tools, they will make a difference in your life, and help you reach your goals.

Try it.

How Do Thoughts Keep Us Stuck?

 “Thoughts thunk often become beliefs.” Byron Katie, the author of Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.

She came up with a simple exercise to question your thoughts and to better understand how your thoughts create the feelings and behaviors you experience.

If I have the thought, “I shouldn’t be myself”, that leads to “I should be perfect so that others accept me.” When I ask myself how do I feel when I have these thoughts, the answer is, scared and vulnerable. I may have other sensations that arise as well, such as tension in my shoulders and neck, as well as tightness in my stomach. The important thing is that I acknowledge these feelings and sensations, which gives me permission to feel them.

She then has us ask the question, who would you be without these thoughts or stories?  Imagine your own life for a moment, and the stories you have come to believe about yourself, others, and the world.  Finally she has us make a statement that is closer to reality, such as, "I'm OK just as I am.  I have a lot of good qualities, and others I am able to change."

To learn more check out her book…=)

Thoughts and more importantly old beliefs are coping mechanisms we created years ago in many cases. We did so because it was the only way we knew how to deal with a difficult situation. We all do this whether the issues were trivial or traumatic.

Only we have the power to step off this old worn path and say “NO”. No I will not do this to myself anymore. First we need to acknowledge where we are at, and take full responsibility. We take responsibility not for what happened in the past, but for our thoughts.

Only then can the process of healing begin. There are many things we can do for ourselves; Meditation, Yoga, exercise, eating well, but sometimes we need guidance, encouragement, and support from an Instructor, Counselor, Nutritionist, Coach, Minister, Chiropractor, Massage Therapist, friend, etc.

Be well.

Building Connections

I was at Whole Foods the other day, having lunch with a good friend.  We talked of many things; our lives, presence, spirit, and our work.  She is a Life Coach, http://heartsong-coaching.com/home, and like me she's realizing that you have to put yourself out there and make yourself visible and vulnerable to be successful.  It's a scary process, but if we expect others to drop their defenses to make that connection with us, so that they may further their healing, then we have to be willing to do the same.
As I was leaving Whole Foods, I once again passed by the display outside, a No Kill shelter for animals was viewing a few dogs they brought by that day for adoption, as well as trying to raise awareness for their cause.  As I was walking past I noticed how the people viewing the animals seemed to soften, even if for a moment.  I even saw a couple feeding some birds while eating their lunch.  Nice.  Animals can help us let down our guards and allow us to just be ourselves, even if for a moment.
What are you doing today to connect to others in a authentic heartfelt way, whether it be a friend, your wife, children, a parent, or grandparent?  It's sometimes scary being vulnerable, but allows us to build deeper more meaningful relationships.

Dance on a Star

 

There was a time when I could, 

when the stars were my playground.