We need to move from a culture of shame to one of responsibility and love

I believe we need to move from a culture of shame to one of of responsibility and love, as a step in transforming ourselves and creating the world most of us want.

Shame is so intimately woven into our lives that most of the time we don't even see it. It's in our homes, our communities, our schools, our churches and our government. It doesn't recognize borders, race nor ethnicity. There is research showing that babies, though they may not have the vocabulary, know shame. I suspect that's because they feel and experience it from the mother and also because it gets past down through our DNA.

What often happens when someone makes a mistake, a bad choice, or just screws up...we shame them. More shame...I believe this is worth saying...does not cure shame, nor does it foster growth or change. What it does instead is drive it deeper, causing even more pain and making it that much harder to heal and change.

So how do we go from a culture of shame to one of responsibility and love. I believe it starts with ourselves, or as Michael Jackson put it, “I'm starting with the man in the mirror.”

We need to be able to look into the mirror and take responsibility for our part, and yet recognize that “our part” does not mean the whole enchilada...rather it's the notion that we are all responsible for ourselves, and we all play a part in any given situation.

Our part is a neutral term, not weighted with shame as is often hidden in the question, “Who is responsible for this?”

Responsibility takes on a different meaning through this process. Being responsible for ourselves can help us feel empowered...by owning it we take the power away from others to use it against is, we begin to feel less like victims, and eventually are able to see how the experiences in our lives have helped us become who we are today. The idea that “we are responsible for our thoughts, feelings and our body”, can become one of freedom, and not one of restraint.

As we begin to embrace this new level of awareness and compassion for ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others.

I Love You, I Love Me Part II

It's a challenge for all of us at times to be around others and still be true to ourselves. This can be in personal relationships, with family, and definitely at work.

How do you stay true to yourself around others?

How do you not?

What does all this mean? To me, it's simply about accepting ourselves, being true to ourselves...period.

If you are like most people you have times that people bring up certain issues for you. I call these triggers or buttons. How do you deal with these opportunities?

Wait, what opportunities? 

Yes, the opportunity to do something different, to respond differently, since we know we can't control others. The opportunity to process the response/reaction we had to the individual. The opportunity to explore our thoughts.

Every day we have thoughts that surface to any given situation or encounter. Those thoughts are often connected with feelings. We often accept these thoughts/feelings as truth without even exploring or questioning them. It's as if we are brainwashed.

I think of questioning our thoughts like pulling apart a tangle of yarn. Gently we begin pulling on each thread until they start to become untangled and less restricted. This is how we can feel when when we are clearer about what is true, and what is not true. 

Mental Health...it's all of our business.

I just read about the shooter from Arizona being sentenced to life after being deemed competent to stand trial.  I felt sad for everyone involved, and thought, like many of you, what could have been done to prevent this tragedy?  Never mind the pain and loss for the families affected directly and indirectly by his actions, but also what about his family?

So my questions come...
Where was everyone in his life; employers, friends, family, schools, doctor, etc?
Why does one have to say, "I'm suicidal and have a plan and the means to carry it out.", or "I'm homicidal and have a plan and the means to carry it out." before anyone takes you seriously?
Why is it okay that people with severe mental illness are walking the streets talking to themselves because they're in ”no imminent danger to themselves or others”?
Why do we not do more, rather then just talk about prevention!
Why is it easier for us as a society to wait for people to commit a crime from which they'll face jail time, rather then offer them access to services before the fact?  Time in jail costs all of us much more then prevention and also rehab, and does nothing to prevent recidivism.

And yet, why ask why.  I know how our society works.  I see people genuinely wanting change and even taking steps to make it happen, but it's something we all need to reflect on.  We all need to look at and take responsibility for ourselves, and also come together as a society with our many talents to grow, learn, and help one another do the same.  There aren't easy cookie cutter answers, don't believe the people who tell you there are.