We need to move from a culture of shame to one of responsibility and love

I believe we need to move from a culture of shame to one of of responsibility and love, as a step in transforming ourselves and creating the world most of us want.

Shame is so intimately woven into our lives that most of the time we don't even see it. It's in our homes, our communities, our schools, our churches and our government. It doesn't recognize borders, race nor ethnicity. There is research showing that babies, though they may not have the vocabulary, know shame. I suspect that's because they feel and experience it from the mother and also because it gets past down through our DNA.

What often happens when someone makes a mistake, a bad choice, or just screws up...we shame them. More shame...I believe this is worth saying...does not cure shame, nor does it foster growth or change. What it does instead is drive it deeper, causing even more pain and making it that much harder to heal and change.

So how do we go from a culture of shame to one of responsibility and love. I believe it starts with ourselves, or as Michael Jackson put it, “I'm starting with the man in the mirror.”

We need to be able to look into the mirror and take responsibility for our part, and yet recognize that “our part” does not mean the whole enchilada...rather it's the notion that we are all responsible for ourselves, and we all play a part in any given situation.

Our part is a neutral term, not weighted with shame as is often hidden in the question, “Who is responsible for this?”

Responsibility takes on a different meaning through this process. Being responsible for ourselves can help us feel empowered...by owning it we take the power away from others to use it against is, we begin to feel less like victims, and eventually are able to see how the experiences in our lives have helped us become who we are today. The idea that “we are responsible for our thoughts, feelings and our body”, can become one of freedom, and not one of restraint.

As we begin to embrace this new level of awareness and compassion for ourselves, it becomes easier to do the same for others.

Change...it's not what you thought

I have people coming to me all the time seeking change. Ask a room full of people, "who wants to change", and you'll get a show of hands. Ask, "who is willing to change, and do the hard work?", and well...

Change is hard, period. If it were easy we'd all be happy, healthy, etc. Change requires integration. Integration of our past, which sometimes includes unhealthy beliefs, behaviors and emotions. Integration of our soul with our body, emotions and mind.

What does that mean, integration with our body. We're here. We're alive. What is there to integrate? What does integration even mean? I believe each one of us came here with a purpose, and to fulfill that purpose we have to remember who we are, and to remember who we are we have to forget what we've been told!

Regardless of what level you're dealing with, what issue you are working on, it all takes time, patience, acceptance, and kindness. Whatever change you make, however small, will make a difference in every other aspect of your life...so that's cool.

So. I want to send a shout out to all of you, regardless of what you're going through, what "change" you're making, what your beliefs are.

Love to you...Be kind to yourself, and enjoy the journey.

I Love You, I Love Me Part II

It's a challenge for all of us at times to be around others and still be true to ourselves. This can be in personal relationships, with family, and definitely at work.

How do you stay true to yourself around others?

How do you not?

What does all this mean? To me, it's simply about accepting ourselves, being true to ourselves...period.

If you are like most people you have times that people bring up certain issues for you. I call these triggers or buttons. How do you deal with these opportunities?

Wait, what opportunities? 

Yes, the opportunity to do something different, to respond differently, since we know we can't control others. The opportunity to process the response/reaction we had to the individual. The opportunity to explore our thoughts.

Every day we have thoughts that surface to any given situation or encounter. Those thoughts are often connected with feelings. We often accept these thoughts/feelings as truth without even exploring or questioning them. It's as if we are brainwashed.

I think of questioning our thoughts like pulling apart a tangle of yarn. Gently we begin pulling on each thread until they start to become untangled and less restricted. This is how we can feel when when we are clearer about what is true, and what is not true. 

I love YOU, I love ME, part 1

It's a challenge for all of us at times to be around others and still be true to ourselves.  This can be in personal relationships, with family, and definitely at work.

How do you stay true to yourself around others?

How do you not?

What does all this mean?  To me, it's simply about accepting ourselves, being true to ourselves...period.

Try taking a little quiet time, to let yourself relax and breathe.  Focus your mind on your belly and breath, a happy image, or a place you love in nature...now...just let yourself breath, breathing in and breathing out...breathing in and breathing out...relax...let whatever sensations and feelings you may be having to just be there...now try the words, "I am loveable"..."I am worthy of love"..."I love myself".

Blessings to you.

That's Just the way I AM !?

Some of us feel that way at times. That’s just the way I am, “I’m goofy”, or “I’m shy”, “I’m…”

There are reasons we are the way we are. Some are out of our control. Others we have created unconsciously as ways of coping from our environment. Others yet we learned by example from those around us.

Have you ever heard anyone say, “I’m not going to be like my parents when I grow up”, only to turn out just like them?

What does it take for us to change? Let’s start with Intent and Acknowledgment.

Intent…is knowing what we want. Intent can be viewed as anything from goal setting, to affirmations, to prayer. When we couple this with feelings; feeling how we will feel when we accomplish our goal, and seeing it as if it were true, we are creating a clearer pattern for a goal to take shape. It’s the details we don’t have as much control over, and it’s here we need to be humble, learn to compromise, and relinquish some control.

Acknowledgment is the process of checking in with ourselves and being honest. If something comes up for me that I am troubled about I first take time to acknowledge what I am feeling, and where I am feeling it. I may check to see if there are any other thoughts and sensations associated with it. This process involves learning to live more in the moment, but it can also be viewed as learning to accept and love yourself, because it’s done without judgment.

This last process is essential yet sometimes a difficult one, as none of us, in which I include myself like to feel things that are uncomfortable. Exploring our inner worlds doesn’t keep us stuck, however, it sets us free. It feels empowering to me to know that I will be OK even when I am feeling intense emotions, knowing that they will pass allows me to be more accepting and honest with myself. This is a very different process than going over a thought or problem in our heads, over and over again.

I know that if you start practicing these simple, but profound tools, they will make a difference in your life, and help you reach your goals.

Try it.

Resisting Change; a Personal Story

Not long ago I taught a class on Meditating.  In it I presented a certain form of meditation that involved the use of the body as a vehicle to awareness.  A conversation I had afterwords with one of the students left me with thoughts of doubt, coupled with emotions and physical sensations.  "I am trying to control things."  "I have to do it that way."  "I have to be perfect."  "I...", well you get the picture.
It's amazing how much we resist, how things like doubt and fear can leave us feeling alone and disconnected, how much I felt these things.
It's amazing how a different idea, way of doing things, belief, can trigger these feeling in us.  No wonder our political arena resembles a Junior High School playground.  No wonder we have killed over these things; values, culture, Religion.
And it's not going to change, regardless of what policies, social systems, etc. we have in place.  It will only change when we change, when we can sit with and love, if you will, ourselves, our own insecurities.  As our consciousness expands to embody all of us, including the shadows that terrify us, that lay hidden, that we blame on external forces like our spouse, our parents, etc.  It's only then that we can know and embrace ourselves and others.
Namaste.

The Day I Made Friends with Fear

I remember it was a beautiful day in early spring.  The sun was shining and I could hear the wind as it rushed through the new leaves just coming out on the trees. I wanted so much to go outside and enjoy this wonderful day, but there was a part of me that was feeling afraid.  My mother used to say that’s the way I was just made.
I didn’t want to feel this fear anymore though, so I tried yelling, “Go away fear.  I don’t want to feel you, not one more day.  Go away.”  I kicked my feet and pounded my fists hard into my pillow, but it was still there.
I curled myself up in a ball on my bed, but it still found me.  It can be really sneaky.
Looking out my window I saw people outside, walking their dogs, lying in the sun, riding their bikes.
I began to cry, and I rocked myself back and forth on my bed.
Just then I remember having a thought.
Getting up I pulled my shirt on over my head and put on my shoes.  Excitedly I began to race downstairs on my way out the door.
“What about the fear?”  I heard a small voice inside my head.  “Aren’t you afraid?
I felt a small shiver down my neck.
And then I leapt out the door, “Come on fear” I yelled, touching that place in me where I felt the fear, lovingly, “You can come and play too.”
And as I made my way outside I remember beginning to feel the fear transforming, and a warm/open feeling taking its place.
You see fear can’t exist where love is, and the best thing you can do when you feel feelings that are scary or uncomfortable is to name them, recognize where you are feeling them, and then love yourself in spite of what else you are feeling.
Remember you may have certain feelings, but you are not those feelings.  You are sooooo much more!

Body Awareness part 2

Exercises on Body Awareness.

First find what word works best for you at this time; mind, awareness, consciousness...each is slightly different, but you can use any of the three or some other word that feels right. I will be using awareness and consciousness throughout this first exercise.

Allow your awareness to move down to your feet. Feel your feet, and how they feel on the ground. Are they comfortable or are they sore from the shoes you wore this day? Allow yourself to feel their weight on the floor, and as you do, take a deep breath.

I will encourage you to breathe, in through your nose and out through your mouth, however, as you start this process you can breathe any way that is comfortable to you.

Now gently and slowly, move your awareness up from your feet and up through your calves to your knees, just being aware of any and all sensations, breathing, in and out, gently perceiving the subtle voices from your body.

As we continue, allow yourself to bring your consciousness up through your thighs and into your hips and sacrum. Feel the weight of your body as you sit in your chair, and continue to use your awareness.

As you move through different areas of your body, sensations, emotions and feelings may surface and come to your attention. Try not to judge them as good or bad, right or wrong. Give them the same space and love as you may a small child. Simply be aware of their presence and observe them as they come to your attention.

Breathing, in through your nose and out through your mouth. There is nowhere more important to go, or no place more important to be at this moment then here, with yourself, lovingly, being.

Continuing to move your consciousness up from your hips through your lower abdomen slowly become aware of this vast space that extends up to your ribs...this is an area that we often associate with strong emotions and sensations, so spend a little extra time there if you wish. Finally before you leave this area bring your awareness to your spine observing how it extends up from your sacrum. Allow yourself to experience it's strength and it's intricate anatomy, and share the gratitude you have for all the years it has supported you. Spend a little time with this thought as you continue to breathe, in through your nose and out through your mouth. No resistance, simply being with conscious awareness.

Continue the same process as you move your consciousness into your chest and through your shoulders, up through your neck, and into your head, finally moving down into your arms and hands. Again, remember the goal is not to change what is happening, rather to observe what is happening with awareness, with consciousness. And lastly breathe, in through your nose and out through your mouth. No resistance.

You may end here, or find some other way to end the exercise to your liking; with prayer, meditation, affirmations, etc. You may like to just return your awareness to your heart, and spend some time allowing yourself to experience the love that is there, allowing yourself to share it with yourself. This is up to you.

To conclude I would like to say there are many books, tapes, and CD's that can offer you suggestions, or similar exercises to this one. Find one that works for you and that you are comfortable with. I have purposefully not included any religious connotations, as I believe people of all religions can practice this and other exercises with benefit. Also though there are many other types of visualizations, there is something personal about getting acquainted with yourself on this level. This is something we typically are not used to doing, and can lead you to a more fulfilling life.

Enjoy.