Teenagers! A Story

  

I saw a mother and daughter the other day at work.  The mother and father had adopted this now 16-year-old about 5 years ago along with her younger sibling.  The mother spent most of the time telling me about her behavior and how difficult it is to live and deal with for her and the rest of the family.  She also went on to tell me that it has not just been her, but also previous foster homes that had this same trouble before her. 

I saw the frustration, I called it anger, this mother exhibited, and I also saw the real caring and desire to help, through a little digging.  It’s been a long 5 years for her, which is evident, and it’s wearing on her.  In the last year she has lost 23 lbs she told me, so it makes sense that she would be angry and frustrated.  She became a little defensive when I used the word angry, and spent some more time telling me about some things the daughter has been doing.

I asked her about what she is doing to take care of herself and if she is taking time to separate herself from the situation?  She asked me where the time for that is, and I replied that she has to make the time.  She told me that she has people to talk to at least, but that she doesn’t share her story with many, even though I believe that others would not only be supportive, but also have similar stories themselves.  I could see the amount of energy she was spending in keeping it all together, and in wanting so desperately to have everything work out.

I was able to bring the daughter into services, upon which she probably will receive some medications, and counseling, however I wish I had more time with the mother, and was also able to work with the father.  I would like to see how they relate and talk to one another on a daily basis. 

It’s obvious to me the daughter is exhibiting behaviors that in some ways are typical of being a teenager, but also may be do to her experiences with her biological family as well as previous foster families.  I believe she will benefit from counseling if she is able to open up and talk with someone besides her friends at school.

There seems to be more to this picture than just the daughter’s behavior, however, there usually is, and I say this not with judgment, but with the desire to help.  If I could work with the parents I would spend my time teaching them a few things. 

• I would suggest they start listening to their daughter.  They may not agree with what she has to say, her wants or desires, but they need to listen.  To go along with that, I would suggest they need to let her know that they have heard her, and that they understand her feelings.  This may look like this, Daughter…“I never get to stay go out with my friends when I want to.  You’re so mean!”  Parent…”You think that we are mean because we don’t let you go out when you want, and this makes you very frustrated.”  This could then lead to a further discussion where the parents could tell her why they don’t let her always go out, and maybe a compromise or choices for her to have about going out and curfew.  As a teenager it’s not enough to just tell her what to do anymore.  But also the very act of truly being heard by another caring individual is incredibly soothing and disarming.

• I would also suggest that everyday they find something to complement her on.  This does not relate to how well she cleaned her room, or whether she dressed well, or even her grades.  This refers to something about her.  Example…”Thank you for asking me how my day was.  I appreciate how you care about others.”  Or, “Your grades were very good this semester.  I appreciate that you care about yourself and your future enough to do well at school.”

I know this is not an easy situation, and I’m not trying to propose a cookie cutter solution, but my experience is that communication can take us a long way in repairing relationships with others and with ourselves.